Never Meant

I never meant to fall in love with you.
Yet another 2 years have gone by, and we've both had relationships since. But I still love you.
I sit here yet another night in a row, and miss you long for you, want you. I wish I couldn't think of you at all. Forget your name, your phone number I've deleted numerous times. It just won't quit. It's hard to be here to listen to your break-ups, your problems, and be the one giving you advice. I want to be your girl. Your only girl.

It actually makes me feel better seeing you. Seeing those eyes that had me at hello. Literally, in front of my mailbox. You have the prettiest eyes. Too bad you bailed on me. Surprise. I just can't forget that night in my car with Polar Bear Club in the background.

I can't pinpoint the reasoning behind why I want to be there for you so badly. Even it's to vent. Or to hangout with you, hug you, look you in the eye. I shouldn't respect you, but I can't help it.
I love you. Still. Even after everything that happened that broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces when I was just 16, and then again when I was almost 18. Maybe the third time will be the charm. I'll continue to have my hopes up.

Why can't I put an end to it? Close this book I've been writing in my head for too long...





You can't miss what you forget.

Another Ruined Night

I never want another boyfriend. You're all so fucking clueless.


I can't wait to be alone--with a cat and an STI.
BALLIN

It's Been Awhile

You know what I'm sick of? Men who are incredibly needy. I shouldn't even call them men, really. It's a stretch.
I'm tired of getting into dead end relationships that end in three months. You make yourself out to seem so idyllic in the first place, but in all reality, you're needy little bitches who rely on other people more than someone like I could tolerate. Grow a pair, and some independence.

I think it's time to take a second, and self evaluate. I'm ready to take the time to work on who I am, and get back to the things I love, and lost touch with...

1. Hardcore
2. Vinyls
3. Collages


And I still want to learn piano.



Here's to a new me, and to being single, lonely, and still loving PBR.
Cheers.

Because you're hoping you're wrong. And everytime he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And evertime he comes through and suprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Everything I try to do to forget you, makes me remember you more.
Every song I listen to makes me think of you. You've ruined it for me, because it was your favorite too.
I can do this forever, but can you?

Resent and Resistance

It's to the point now. This is fucking ridiculous. You don't fucking get it.
I'm pissed beyond belief. You bring one of my best friends into it, to try and convince me that it's okay? It defeats the whole fucking purpose, what can't you understand about that? Just leave it alone. Leave me alone.

lpvheu0wvbnefwmbnuvfw

Who's Keeping Score?

Flowers dont know me like trees know wind
and winds blow a breeze one way to snow
the flowers around
they're all around

I climbed a mountain that night
I peaked at sight of morning light
word spread so fast in a town like this

snow only leads to a freeze
likely to be one this week
now flowers fade
well they dont know me anyway

If I'm home, I'll be alone
If I'm home, I'll be alone
I can't explain why you want me to stay, but I think I really need to go
If I'm home, I'll be alone

and I'm not messin around.

I don't care about what you write, what you say. I don't give a fuck anymore. I've heard it all so many times.
I want to feel it.

9:49 on a Thursday

Grown Ups, Snowing, and Algernon Cadawallader-
Getting me through the past few days, although as slowly as possible, I know I have something to look forward to.

I have so much to say, but can't put words together.

I miss you. I miss the purity. I miss the cold nights. I can't think about it, or say it enough. The only place I can get it out is here.
I miss my best friend. I wish I could talk to her every waking second like we used to.

Things are looking up. Things are looking the worst.
why why why why why why why why why why
Maybe I'm better off being alone forever.
Maybe I don't believe you.
Maybe this, maybe that.
See, I told you I can't put words together. "Miss and maybe," my two favorite words.
Commitment always seems to be a letdown.

I want to get out of here. I don't care if I have to walk.

Motivational Song

I want more than anything to learn piano.
Maybe it will be a tangible pleasure that won't ever let me down.
Won't ever tell me I'm not caring enough.
Won't ever make me out to be some one I'm not.

Maybe it will be a place I can cling to.
Maybe it will make me feel alive again.

Zero

So when did cigarettes start cluttering your hands?

I ponder this some nights alone when I undress. And what do you do with those girls I see you with, or better yet, what would I do if you came back? I
'd say no, or I hope I could, but I still want you.
And what do you think I would do after you left? Would I stay sober?
I think it'd be much worse. I'd cut my arms off.
No regeneration.
Was it the cure?
Hope not.

Kiss the Bottle

Cigarettes they fill the gaps.
In our empty days.
In our broken teeth.
We're jonesing.
Say mister, can you spare a dime?
Some change could make a change.
Could buy some time.
Some freedom.
Or an ear to hear my story.
It's all I've got.
My fiction beats the hell out of my truth.
A palm upturned burnt blue.
Don't call it sunburn.

A week inside, I think I'm starting to show.
I told myself to keep myself in line.
Should we get married or just go on killing each other?
I don't think I hate you enough to commit you to me.

Happy all the time. It's all we ever do.
Steady in decline. It's all we ever do.
I'm sorry but it's true.

How can I save you when I couldn't save a dime.
I want to call you and tell you that I'm a fan.
All my friends know better but I can't quite hear them.
Still for the life of me I can't imagine our home.

Good things, that's all I want.
All I want for you.
Hold me. Set me free.
It's all I want from you.
It's sad and it's so true.

We're so close it scares me
We're tight we're enemies
We're so wrong its deathly
Just hold me
Hold me
Just hold me

Watch this pot and it is sure to boil.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking,
"Boy, or girl?"

Kiss me on the teeth. It's all that we can do.
Punch me. Wake me up.
This lullaby is blue.
Lie and say we're through.

We're so close it scares me
We're tight we're enemies
We're so wrong its deathly
We're so far
Just hold me
Hold me
Just hold me

If I knew how to play piano, that's exactly what I'd be doing right now.
I want to feel high, and with the sound of a piano, and not a care in the world, I think I could feel it.

It's not so easy.

Rage

I'm so unhappy.
Fuck my clothes.
Fuck my hair.
Fuck my face.
Fuck this school.

I hate who I am here. I just want to smile, laugh and feel comfortable in my own skin.
Today was the worst day I've had in awhile. I feel so ugly.
I have no fire in my heart. No drive.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL FUCK PRETTY.

You're Starting to Regress

I don't understand what made you change so much.
How you became so mean, so careless, so normal.
You were someone with so much soul. I saw it in you.
But I'm starting to change my mind about you.
I know why she liked you so much, and why now she fucking hates you to the core.
I couldn't support that more.

I called you one of the best, but now you're just like the rest.
Bland, hurtful, and egotistical.

B.K. is the only one of my friends who's ego is okay, because he's always been that way, and I've accepted it, and seen past it.
But you, you're turning into an ungrateful piece of shit.
I hope karma serves you justice.

At this rate, you've got none of my respect.
I called you out, it's the only reason you're so defensive.
Stop abusing my best friend, or I swear I'll put you right in your place.

Only Ashes

Incinerate whats left of this,
And torch the part of me that's you.
Fire's a beautiful sound.
We're only ashes.

I haven't been using my time wisely, apparently.
I haven't been the same, apparently.



I've been putting my best friend on the back burner.
I haven't been prioritizing.
I became obsessive.
I became sad.
I became lonely.

I don't really understand why I've been this way.
Maybe I am different.
Maybe I'm two-headed.
Maybe I hate college.

I wish someone was here when I lost my brain.

Most of The Time, I Love This Fucking Town. Most of The Time, I Hate All of You Fucking Bitches.

This is to all of the girls on the 4th floor of my dorm building with the exception of Jen May, Becca, and that Joanna girl who has snakebites...

FUCK YOU.
You ignorant bitches aren't shit.
Take all of your conservative, close-minded views and comments back to where you came from. You don't belong here.
You're all ugly on the inside anyway.

And most of you on the outside as well.

College Girl

I miss you Mom.
I miss you Dad.
I miss you, Serena. You're so beautiful.
I miss you Joe. I don't know what I'd do without you.
I miss you Shannon. My rock, my love.
I miss you Taylor.
I miss you Trent.
I miss you Demi. You'd love it here.
I miss you Lejla, even though you don't miss me.

I miss home. This doesn't feel like home.
I don't need anyone to walk by my side, I just want it.
It hurts knowing you're so far away.

I miss you.

4 Days and Counting

I have no real friends here.
You see people everyday who consistently say hello, and smile, but want nothing more.
This town has few, but a few friendly people. It's comforting to sense how happy they truly are with the simplicity of their lives. I wish I could appreciate life like that a little bit more.
I'm stuck in my own mind.
I'm lonely.
I'm in another drone of normalcy.


I hope KTRM calls me. It would make the days go by faster. And who knows, maybe it will be something I'll learn to love like I love my hometown.
My items are expendable, but the relationships I acquired this summer are not. I miss you people in the highest sense.
This campus is such a peaceful place...

Sometimes, that's the worst place for a thinker like me.

I want to lose my mind, just so I don't have to feel this way again.